Today John and I mailed our pre-application for international adoption. That is a big sentence. Ta-da! There it is.
So here's the story.
John and I believe God has called us to adopt internationally. John has always been open to the idea. His father adopted him and it has been great. He has such a big heart and I remember him asking me what I thought about adoption the first year we were married. I was hesitant at first. In fact, I think I said "Never". I think much differently now.
Truly, I think back and see how God has been working in me all along. I vividly remember playing missionary to Africa, caring for my dolls, on my back deck when I was 6. I have always had a passion for missions, but have never been able to go. I think adoption is the mission God has given me. God has really been working on my heart to ready me for this. And here it is.
Are we adopting because we can't have children? No. John and I have given both up to God and said we are ready and willing for either one. One does not replace the other. It is simply different and yet the same. Each child is equally important and desired by God and us.
Okay, so my initial thoughts are
I can't contain my excitement!
I am scared to death.
I don't care that I'm scared to death because I'm so excited.
I'm excited because I have found my passion. God has shown me His purpose. I have given my idea of a family up to God and He has put a new song in my heart. He has replaced my sadness with joy, wonder, and hope for the future.
I'm nervous because I have no idea what parenting will be like.
I'm nervous because I feel like a pioneer and novice in this process.
I'm nervous because, what if I mess up?
I'm nervous because I'm afraid my baby won't love me back.
To my baby:
I love you. I can't wait to kiss your little feet and just pick you up from that crib in the orphanage and put you in the one I laid in as a baby. You are probably not even born yet, but I know about you and God does too. We love you. I am praying for you. God is making plans for you already. I promise His plans are the best.
I am planning your nursery and want to buy all your clothes and shoes. I wonder what you will look like. I wonder what it will be like when we meet.
I desperately want you to know the God of my life. He is good, I promise you.